


Emberkarkat

by k_rose_m (Flipkat)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fairy Tales, Fractured Fairy Tale, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-11
Updated: 2012-11-11
Packaged: 2017-11-18 09:56:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/559704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flipkat/pseuds/k_rose_m
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Karkat, as Cinderella, is exactly as charming as you would expect, but still manages to get the boy.</p><p> </p><p>From a prompt here, for fairytales with John as the prince and Karkat as the princess: http://homesmut.livejournal.com/14212.html?thread=28151940#t28151940</p>
            </blockquote>





	Emberkarkat

Once upon a time, there was a young troll whose lusus had died. He could no longer afford to keep his hive, and was forced to sell it to a ruthless human lady, who allowed him to stay on as a servant, and sleep in the kitchen. She had two adopted troll children of her own: a teal-blooded daughter, and a gold-blooded son. His own blood was a most unnatural shade of red, bright as fire, so his new siblings took to calling him “Emberkarkat,” and jeering at him for his blood color, his ill-fitting clothes, and his ugly, nubby horns. He would swear tirades back at them, and the lady would give him looks of great disappointment that made him feel more a failure than ever.

When the stress got to be too much for him, he would escape to the beach and sit under the palm tree where he had buried his lusus, so its body would not be eaten by scavengers. Often, in a fit of annoyance, he would secretly empty the crab traps that had been set under the nearby docks. Quite frequently, the stupid creatures would scurry right back in again, but some came to shelter in the safety of his palm tree, until there was a vast colony inhabiting its fronds. And while they could not provide for his every need, they would occasionally drag in food or interesting bits of flotsam for him, and on the whole, their pinching claws did a very good job of keeping the beach clear of other visitors, so he could mope in peace.

OKAY, THEY GET THE IDEA.   
MY LIFE SUCKS.  
LET’S MOVE ON.

Now it happened that the Prince of this kingdom was not yet married, and so the King decided to hold a festival, and invite all the eligible youngsters for miles around, so that the Prince could choose a bride from among them. Of course the lady who had bought Emberkarkat’s hive received an invitation, and responded very cordially that yes, her family would be delighted to attend, and spent the intervening days before the party running Emberkarkat ragged, ordering and fetching new fineries from the tailor and haberdasher, making appointments to have their hair and nails prettied up, and generally throwing the hive into a whirl.

The day of the ball was even worse; Emberkarkat was told to make sure the siblings looked respectable before they left. The boy kept trying to remove his tie and pointy shoes because they were uncomfortable, and the girl seemed to go out of her way to select the most hideous possible combination of articles from her wardrobe. No sooner had he persuaded her into choosing a few pieces that matched, than she would insist upon adding a necklace or sash that clashed with the lot, and the whole process would begin again! Eventually, however, the lady was forced to admit they had achieved some semblance of presentability, and Emberkarkat thought the time was ripe to make a small, well-deserved request of her: “WILL YOU TAKE ME WITH YOU?”

MUCH AS IT PAINS ME TO ASK HER FOR ANYTHING.

The lady gave him a cold smile. “I have emptied a dish of lentils into the fireplace,” she said. “If you can pick them all out again in an hour’s time, I shall consider your request.”  
Emberkarkat briefly considered getting the crabs to help him, before dismissing the notion as stupid. Instead, as soon as the lady had left the room, he growled “FUCK THIS SHIT,” swept the entire contents of the fireplace onto the compost heap, and refilled the dish with lentils from the pantry, rubbing them with ashes for good measure. He used the remaining forty-five minutes to clean himself up, but unfortunately had no nice clothes to wear, and so the lady refused to let him ride in their carriage after all.

After the lady and her brood had departed with a few final jeers, Emberkarkat grumbled his way down to the beach, planning to sulk under his tree for a while. However, as soon as he arrived, he found a swarm of crabs pinching and tugging at a lovely red dress with matching shoes!

OH LOOK, IT’S A PERFECT FIT! HOW ABOUT THAT.

He then tossed the nearby discarded men’s belt and pants into the sea. Now fully outfitted, Emberkarkat walked to the palace, and arrived just in time to be fashionably late without being insulting. Prince John, having greeted most of the guests personally, was mingling with the crowd, making small talk, and being cooed and simpered over by prospective brides. None had yet caught his fancy, and he sighed to himself. 

bluh, i can never relax and enjoy myself at these things.  
everyone’s so polite, especially to me! it makes me kind of uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, Emberkarkat had found the buffet, and was busy stuffing his face. When Prince John caught sight of him, he was halfway through a platter of fried clam strips, growling savagely and elbowing at anyone who tried to get close enough to take some. The Prince was captivated; surely here was the antidote to the stuffy boring manners of the court! He was charmed still further when, having asked the mysterious stranger to dance, said stranger responded “FUCK OFF, I’M BUSY,” before turning to look at him, having a sudden choking fit, needing several minutes of back pats and a glass of water, and finally, accepting.

YOU DON’T JUST TURN DOWN A PRINCE!  
ALSO, I HAVE A THING FOR BUCK TEETH.  
TELL NO ONE.

Prince John and Emberkarkat

OW!

danced

FUCKING OW!

all

GOGDAMMIT JOHN!

night

THAT’S THE _FIFTH TIME_ YOU’VE STEPPED ON MY FOOT!

long.

FUCK, NOW MY FOOT’S SO SWOLLEN IT WON’T FIT IN THIS SHOE.

Although they were in plain sight the whole time, the lady had gotten herself too drunk to notice him, and her children were also otherwise engaged; the girl was marveling over the parade of colorful fashions surrounding her, and the boy was slouching in the corner with a book. Eventually, when the Prince had to excuse himself to shake hands with the departing guests, Emberkarkat took the opportunity to sneak out the back and limp home. Luckily, the enormous traffic jam around the palace prevented the lady and her children from arriving there before he did, so his long absence went unnoticed.

The next morning, Prince John couldn’t help gushing to his closest friend, the Captain of the Guard.

oh man! i just met the love of my life!  
we danced all night and it was awesome!  
tell me more  
he’s this little troll guy, he’s really cute and angry!  
so what’s his name, and where’s he from  
...  
oh my god. :(

Desperately, the Prince sought the advice of his Seer.

Meeting the love of your life was a remarkably inappropriate time to suffer a derp attack, Prince John.  
shut up, it’s a chronic condition!  
oh man, i hope our kids don’t inherit it.  
Considering the potential dweebosity of your as-yet highly theoretical offspring had better wait until you locate your prospective bride, don’t you think?  
Can you remember any identifying details?  
well, he had nubby horns...  
That rules out the 75% of trolls that are either female or have longer than average horns.  
No other clues?  
oh!

A thorough search of the ballroom turned up one discarded shoe, covered in tread marks that matched the bottom of Prince John’s dress boots.

I guess it’ll have to do.  
can’t we just put out a notice that i’m looking for someone with nubby horns?  
No, because then every hopeful suitor would show up with nubs, including some of the humans. We’ll have to be a bit sneaky. Would you remember your beloved’s face if you saw it again?  
i think so...maybe?   
my glasses kept fogging up.  
but his voice for sure!  
Excellent. Then here’s what I propose.

And so it was that Prince John went riding out that very day, carrying the shoe, a map, and a guest list, to visit every household that a) contained trolls, and b) had gotten an invitation to the ball. Eventually, he came to the hive where Emberkarkat lived, knocked on the door, and was quickly invited inside by the lady of the hive for tea and pleasantries. Having already had his fill of tea and pleasantries at dozens of other stops that day, he decided to get down to business at once.

“I’m looking for a nubby-horned troll,” he announced, “whose foot, uh, DOESN’T fit this shoe!” 

He proffered it; it was fairly small and much-trampled, and the lady’s eyes took on a calculating gleam, as she schemed how she could connect herself to the royal family. “Wait here, Your Highness” she said. “I believe I can produce the troll you seek.”

She hastened upstairs and called her teal-blooded daughter. “The Prince is seeking his nubby-horned bride, my daughter, and why should it not be you? Your foot is much too wide to fit that shoe. Only the tips of your horns must go, and what use are they anyway? When you are Queen, you shall set the fashion standards for the kingdom!”

The girl let herself be convinced, thinking of the bright colors she would introduce to the court, and her mother lopped off the pointed tips of her horns with a sharp knife before leading her downstairs to present her to the Prince. “Here is your bride, Your Highness!” she proclaimed.

The Prince goggled for a moment at the beaming mouthful of knives before him. “Er, but I was looking for a boy.” He rubbed sheepishly at the back of his neck. “Sorry, I guess I should have said earlier!”

The girl’s face fell. She muttered “OH D4MN” before retreating to her bedchamber to investigate hats. Her mother only smiled all the sweeter. “Why, if I had but known, I would have shown you my other child instead! Wait here but a moment longer, and I shall fetch him.”

She hastened upstairs again, and this time called her gold-blooded son. “The Prince is seeking his nubby-horned bride, my son, and why should it not be you? Your foot is much too long to fit that shoe. Only your larger set of horns must go, and what use are they anyway? When you are Queen, you shall set the fashion standards for the kingdom! But first you must hide your eyes behind these dark lenses, and tell the Prince you cannot remove them until after the wedding, lest a curse should befall you.”

The boy let himself be convinced, thinking of all the wonderful new technologies he could buy with the royal treasury, and his mother lopped off his outside set of horns with a sharp knife and hid his eyes with dark glasses before leading him downstairs to present him to the Prince. “Here is your bride, Your Highness!” she proclaimed.

This time, the Prince was fooled, and, having seated the troll behind him on his white horse, set out at once. Instead of returning to the palace immediately, though, he decided a ride along the nearby beach might be more romantic. However, as soon as they passed under a certain palm tree, both horse and riders were showered with small, nipping crabs. The troll began to flail and screech. “Augh, get them off me! I’m allergic to theafood!”

The Prince stopped short. “What! You are not the bride I am seeking after all!” And so he returned him to Emberkarkat’s hive. While the boy went off broodily to scrub himself, the Prince asked the lady, “Are there no other trolls living here?” He poised a pencil above the guest list, ready to make another check mark. “Why, no –” the lady began.

Just then, there came a loud clatter and swearing from the kitchen. Emberkarkat, in being summoned to heat water for the gold-blood’s bath, had tripped over the bowl of cold water he’d been using to soak his foot, spilling it all over the floor. The Prince’s face brightened. “That’s him!” He rushed into the kitchen, where he found his nubby-horned darling nursing a bruised foot. Spotting the Prince, Emberkarkat growled, “WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?” Overjoyed, the prince loaded him onto his horse, and they returned to the palace at once, where a royal wedding was arranged with all haste.

And they all – er, they both – okay, the prince, his friends, and his bride, lived happily ever after.

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF VAGUE BULLSHIT ENDING IS THAT?

Fine. And then they porked.

WAIT, WHAT?!?

John, if you would, please?

hehe, okay!  
ARGHLBLARGHLoooooh...

**THE END**


End file.
